a compendium - of thoughts, feelings, and emotions

second entry

I've been listening to a lot of music recently, as a sort of catharsis. Old songs too, songs I even forgot existed, that I used to sing along to a long time ago, when things were different. I don't know why I've always been drawn in to music; I guess I come from a somewhat-strong musical background, given that I had the privilege of learning quite a few instruments in my youth. Maybe it's the fact that songs are so good at delivering messages, whereas I feel like I struggle to communicate even simple points sometimes.

Looking back at this past week it's hard to count the number of mistakes I've made. I think I've confused even myself, to the point where I can't even differentiate between what feels right and what feels wrong and it's all just one big mess that I need to cross off. 

I really miss you. And I don't think that will ever change. I know nothing can ever be the same. But I can't see myself moving forward for some reason. I always thought I would have you by my side. I don't know why, given how I treated you. 

Why did I tell Merrin that I would continue to fight for our relationship? I'm so lost. Adrift. I don't even know if I can fight for myself, in my current state. Am I going to be like this for the rest of my life? How will I move on? How can I move on? How are you doing? Do you need someone to talk to? Do you need someone to listen to? Do you need someone to make you laugh, to make you cry, for you to punch or scream at until there's nothing left?

I've been all those things for you. Can you ever come back to that? Can you ever let me back into your life like that? How?

How am I supposed to live with myself, knowing the things I've done? 

I miss you.

Weiming SunComment