a compendium - of thoughts, feelings, and emotions

first entry

I'm not too sure why I'm here, writing this; I think, somewhere in my mind, I'm making this as a memoir, for those moments when I falter, and need a reminder of the reason why I'm doing something. Heck, maybe I just like to record things that make me hurt. All I hope is that one day, I'll be able to reflect on this, and feel at peace.

I'm conflicted. It's not a superficial conflict; I'm not afraid of how chubby my cheeks are, or how many rolls my stomach fat has, or how my hair looks. It's internal; a deep-seated, fiery conflict that I think has been raging for a while now. It feels like, within the last month and a half, I've had to make so many tough decisions, and they've only gotten tougher and tougher.

What makes a relationship a relationship? I've put some thought into this, and I think it's something that is quite contrary to what you'd expect. In my eyes, what makes a relationship such an investment of emotion and desire is selfishness. I'm selfish because I want you all for myself. The mere thought of you being with someone else makes my blood curdle inside my body, makes my heart clench itself in jealousy, makes my vision unbalanced. 

Can you kind of see where I'm coming from?

Is it therefore wrong to be in a relationship for someone else? To see someone else happy? You can, of course, still care extremely deeply for someone and want to see them happy while in a relationship with them. But at the same time, I think you have to acknowledge that you're in a relationship with someone for your own selfish reasons as well, because you want to lock someone down, to tie them to you and not let them go for anything.

If you're in a relationship with someone and for someone, but not for yourself, I guess that raises the question of whether or not it's even worth it. I don't know. Is my logical process wack? How strong is my conviction? Is it stronger than I am when I approach my girlfriend looking to break up with her? Can I even trust my own judgement?

So many questions, and so few answers. I'm at a loss.

All I can hope is that each day, each experience, each question and each confusing answer, bring me closer to the day that I understand this all.

I miss you.

Weiming SunComment